Lockdown is the world trolls have dreamed about

AFTER months and months of lockdown, some kind of freedom is returning to the nation on Monday.

And research shows that lots of ­people are not happy about this.

Forty per cent say they will continue to wear masks, not just on Monday, but for ever.

Nearly a fifth want a 10pm curfew for the ­foreseeable future.

A quarter want nightclubs and casinos to close for the rest of time.

And more than a third want the ten-day quarantine for people who’ve been abroad to remain in place.

Basically then, they want to live in 1967. In East ­Germany. For ever. And I think I know why.

There are lots of people in this country who cannot be happy about someone else’s luck.

They look at good-looking people, or people who’ve won the Lottery, or people who’ve been successful and say, “It’s all right for some.”

They have no social life because they have no friends.

They have tiny penises.

They have dull jobs and little money.

And they live in a constant state of rage that someone, somewhere is having more fun than they are.

But then along came the pandemic, and all that changed.


Suddenly, Dua Lipa had to cover up her pretty face with a mask. Ha!

And even the richest footballer could not spend time on a yacht in the ­Mediterranean because no one could.

No one could go to fancy restaurants either, or swan about on a red carpet.

It didn’t matter whether you were Elton John or a fat internet troll from Rotherham.

Everyone was stuck at home doing the square root of sod all.

This made the fat and miserable ­internet trolls very happy.

Because for the first time ever, it really wasn’t all right for some.

The rich couldn’t even jump the vaccine queue.

Everyone from Simon Cowell to a benefits cheat in Wolverhampton had to get in line.

And accept whatever jab the doctor had in their fridge that day.

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This is a world the mealy mouthed and the bitter have dreamed about.

That’s why they want the nightclubs to remain closed for ever.

Because they have never been to one.

It’s why they want us all to carry on wearing masks, because if everyone has to walk around with their head in a bag, it’s a great leveller.

And it’s why they want foreign holidays to be banned, because they’ve never been further than Mansfield so why should anyone else?

Well, speaking as someone who’s always happy when people enjoy a little bit of luck or some success, I’m longing for Monday and cannot wait to get on a plane to Majorca.

Oh, wait. Hang on a minute  . . . 

No time for a round

WE were treated this week to some pictures of Harry Kane enjoying a round of golf in the sunshine.

I was appalled.

The World Cup is just around the corner and at some point he will once again be leading England into an inevitable penalty shoot-out.

So what he should be doing, constantly, until then is practising.

Jonny Wilkinson, the rugby player, used to go to the training ground on his own every day and take 100 penalties.

And if he missed the 99th, he’d force himself to start from one again.

Harry should be doing that.

All the players should.

And when they’ve mastered it, they should practise for the nerves by replacing the goalkeeper with a tiger.

And not allowing themselves to go home until they’ve got a hundred in a row past that as well.

Flash floods

AFTER the brief but intense shower in London earlier this week, the drainage system was so overloaded that when the manhole cover outside my flat burst, the resultant geyser was as high as my balcony.

Which is on the sixth floor.

The flood then rushed through the front door, wrecking the flats on the ground floor, cutting power and ruining the lift shaft.

Still, it’s not all bad news – because the tidal wave of faeces then soldiered on down the street, round the corner and into the sitting room of badger enthusiast Brian May.

Getting high

NOT for the first time, I suspect, Sir Branson got high this week.

But after landing safely in his cool new spaceship, people were queuing up to say that space really begins at an altitude of 62 miles and that by only going up to 53.5 miles, he didn’t really deserve to get his astronaut’s wings.

Yeah, well sorry but I’ve seen footage from the mission and it looked pretty spacey out of the windows to me.

So well done, Richard.

Seriously. Well done.


WE’VE been told that Prince Charles will keep the Dukedom of Edinburgh for himself and not pass it on, as Philip wanted, to Prince Edward.

This has caused a great deal of consternation in royal circles, but having given it much thought I’ve decided I literally couldn’t give a toss.

Field of screams

PEOPLE say they learned a lot about agriculture by watching my farming show on Amazon.

But I’m not sure that’s entirely true.

Every day, I go out and find people taking selfies on the bonnet of my tractor and wandering around in my wheat fields or playing hide and seek in the barley with their kids.

If there’s a second series, I’ll have to do a piece on the chemicals I spray on to the crops and what they’ll do to human skin.

Slapped salmon

AFTER such a long time at home, people are now so desperate to be part of a crowd again that 300,000 are expected to turn up at Silverstone this weekend to watch Max Verstappen beat Sir Hamilton, who will then stand on the second step of the podium with a face like a slapped salmon.

Wrong arm of the lawn

FACEBOOK and Twitter have given police the account details of all those who sent horrid messages about football players after the penalty shoot-out debacle last weekend.

And this morning Plod is sifting through them, trying to work out who will be prosecuted and who will not.

When they’ve finished this, they will try to establish who leaked the footage of Mancock and his assistant playing tonsil hockey.

And then they will continue their hunt for dead DJs who may or may not have been up to no good in the Seventies.

Which means, I’m afraid, they will not have time to find the burglars who stole your lawnmower last weekend.

Hikers a lost cause

RAMBLING enthusiasts have complained to Google, saying that some of the suggested hiking routes on maps of Scotland are very dangerous and even include one that directs people to walk off a cliff.

Now, you wouldn’t walk off a cliff just because the map on your phone said you’d be OK.

But that’s because you’re not a fitness-obsessed rambler.

It seems they’ll do anything anyone tells them to do.

Earlier this week, we read about a woman who fell off some monkey bars and smashed her leg so violently, the doctor said the bone looked like a digestive biscuit that had been stamped on.

Now she’s suing the makers of the assault course, saying she only leaped on to the monkey bars because they said it would be OK.

Give me strength.

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